When Death Says Hello.

The mourners stood in silent tribute as the coffin was laid to rest. Their heads were bowed as their eyes were fixed listlessly to the ground. The air was still, the ground was tense and faces sombre.

Deep in their hearts and at the darker edges of their minds, a completely different story was at play. What was the point of mourning a death? It was maudlin. Meant for the foolish and sentimental, and those who clung onto self-pity.

The crowd congregated, said a prayer. Then they headed home, each of them locking themselves in their private rooms, glass after glass of wine. Red. White. Red. They sat there, on their favourite worn out leather chair, maundering on and on about their own troubles - to anyone who pretended to give a damn.

No one is to be maltreated, after all. Death has that uncanny power.

And the next morning, life goes on.

A perceptible change has occured, only known to the wise, and the observer.



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Just felt like dabbling a little. I do miss writing...even though i should be channelling my energy to the tons of school work I have that's constanly piling up :( Oh well...it's friday night after all! heh

Forgiveness

How is it that someone can be both greatly idolised and vilified? But then again, it makes perfect sense. Things that seem contradictory or paradoxical often makes a lot of sense the deeper we look or from simply looking through a different set of lenses.

Forgiving someone isn't easy, but then again it is. Understand that the more we care about someone or something, the greater it'll hurt. Thus, the harder it is to forgive some might perceive. But it's this very essence of love and caring that makes us forgive said someone so easily.

What does it mean to forgive? Something that i've been contemplating the past couple of days. And the best I could come up with is..that it means to move on. To let go and understand that humans make mistakes. Let it go and never bring it up again. Because to forgive is to forget.

Some say "I forgive but I cannot forget."  Isn't that a little hypocritical? A little food for thought.

Like that quote, it goes something like "The worst thing you can do to someone trying to change for the better is bring up his past." Something like that. And it's true.

Haha okay if you haven't realised the new me is kinda philosophical. AND THANK YOU FOR THE BIRTHDAY WISH WHOEVER YOU ARE ON MY TAG BOARD (haha sorry!! A 6-month late reply is better than no reply right xD) And yes happyperson101, the op was kinda scary. Thanks fr the concern! ^___^ Glad that you're a happy person hah!

Anddd on a completely different note, I went driving on the road today for the first time! And there were so many lorries on the road! Cue heart-attacks one after the other haha. 2nd day on the road tomorrow insyaallah! And blogger says most of my blog's traffic comes from the PSL blog. Hmmmmmm......

It's been ages since i've updated this blog primarily because i've been using my tumblr account. But i feel like a cow everytime i write something really long on tumblr and it disrupts the flow of gifs and inanimate pictures...

I do miss writing and expressing myself freely. So i guess with that reason solely, i'll revive this blog.

The past few months (6 to be precise) has helped me grow in ways I never thought possible. The countless number of new experiences & challenges coupled with lots of free time to do some introspection and reflection has led to...self-discovery. With self-discovery came acceptance for who I am and explanations for the way I am as well as acknowledging my weak points. The hard part was just sitting still and letting my mind wonder and ponder..why, why and why. I guess my main goal is self-actualisation.

I really do feel as though I've changed. For the better i hope.

One of those nights filled with self-pity. I should get over myself.

The Holes Within Me (literal meaning)

Yes, you read right. I have holes in my body. 4 in my mouth to be precise. I went for a mouth operation on Tuesday and the dentist drilled holes in my mouth and put in screws. And the operation wasn’t as traumatic because the anesthesia was doing its job and it didn’t hurt at all. How deceiving. I wasn’t allowed to see what they were doing though, all I heard was drilling noises and I could feel being screwed (lol). The dentist thought I was 15 (srsly??) and said to imagine there’s construction in my mouth! It was an hour later when I was in the train with my dad when the full force of the pain hit me. And it flipping hurt. I honestly have never felt such physical pain in my almost 19 years of existence. Fracturing an ankle, getting both ears pierced at the same moment all could not even come close to how much pain I felt. So yea, I might have cried a little on the train home. Hahah I bet people thought I was just dumped or something!

And can I say this, I’ll never think well of dentists. Seriously, if you’re my friend and you choose to be a dentist, I’ll seriously de-friend you. Haha just kidding! Or am i? =O

Anyway! Went to the flyer on thurs with the cousins and ilhan :D it was really quite fun because the previous time I went to the flyer (with the PSLs in sec3?), it was daytime and there was construction everywhere so the sight ain’t very pretty. But this time round I went at 7pm so I could see the sunset and the transition from day to night! Really nice :D But sadly, it was quite a cloudy day so the sunset wasn’t very obvious! Have some photos down here taken with my phone (hence the poor resolution!). Most of the photos were taken with my aunt’s min-dslr so I don’t have it right now. As usual, the only activity to do on the flyer would be to look at the scenery and camwhore. Yuppp :)

Shall do a new years post in a while! On a side note, I’m totally addicted to Adam lambert’s new single ‘Better than I know myself”. What a tune, and the lyrics were brill! Love this line: “If I wanted to leave, I would have left by now”. What a loaded phrase. Very very romantic and poetic in my eyes! Then again, I always pegged him as someone who oozed sensuality, like me. Har har, I kid :D

Feeling happeh :D

Yup im feeling really happy right now! I've found some joy in this website personalitycafe.com or PerC :) It really helped me figure out who i am and i am discovering more about myself everyday. It's so amazing how there are so many people who know EXACTLY what i think and feel and whose thought process is pretty identical to mine. (haha not forever alone anymore!)

It's these little things that i never really took time to figure out that has helped me feel more comfortable in my own skin. Well, its just a flippin wonderful feeling having people understand and rationalise your convoluted thoughts. For those who don't know what im talking about, you should take these personality tests, particularly the MBTI & enneagram. It's really interesting and eye-opening. Gives you perspective on why people act the way they do. Why you act the way you do.

I have to admit though, it's pretty intimidating there. There are users from all walks of life from those in their 30s to a 52 year old. And then there's people like me. So yea there's all these accomplished people who are so articulate and eloquent who are able to express & analyse their thought processes so well. In short, it gets pretty intimidating for lil ol' me. But i'm learning something precious everyday and appreciating those who are similar and different from me, so all's good :)

Here's a short summary on the two types of personality theories (to get you interested!)

Enneagram: This examines your life's motive. There are essentially 9 types of people. This isn't to pigeon hole you or put you in a box because everyone is different and moulded by circumstances and inborn characteristics. Rather, it's to help you step out of your usual pattern of thinking, recognise your flaws and be more open-minded :)

MBTI: This is used to see how you gather and process information. There are 16 ways and this theory is more widespread than the enneagram. I had a workshop about this in cedar i remember! and then a talk about it in MJ also.

Yup basically this has been my latest personal interest! Unfortunately, i don't think i'm capable of persuing psychology as a career even though the passion is defo there. Have yet to find anyone i can discuss all these theories with in person ): But yea anyway, crux of the post is that I love having someone speak my mind in ways that I can't.

ON A MORE DEPRESSING NOTE..i have an operation tomorrow where they're gonna sedate me and all. Sarkks.

"Time can change perspectives, and just because something once had a certain meaning, doesn’t mean that it always has to have that meaning.”

Absolutely gutted

Cos my boyfriend is dating another girl nooooooo. ); Hahah okay shall stop being a typical fangirl.

The Games That Play Us

"And if you're faced with a choice and you had to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you" - Rascal Flatts 'My Wish'

A circle. The only shape with no sides and no end. I think our lives are like circles where we chase things that have no end to it, or none that is visible anyway. Why? We tend to chase those who hurt us and ignore those who adore us. We chase those who are “unattainable” and see those who aren’t as something you would settle for when you have no other choice. We chase to satisfy our materialistic desires failing to realise that it can never be satiated.

I think men often lose sight of what is important and as a result, make the wrong choices. And later on in life, some of us become unmanned by grief and find ourselves breaking down and weeping for time to rewind itself just so we could correct whatever we did wrong. But alas, time stops for no man.

You're a know-it-all

Whether you’re aware of it or not, at some point in our lives, we all act like an officious know-it-all. Too ready to give advice or orders, as if our limited life experiences makes us more knowledgeable than those around us. We become bossy and interfering while deluding ourselves into believing we’re being altruistic and helpful. We must, at some point, realise that each situation is unique and molded by circumstance. That no individual is more superior than the other. We all have something to learn and value from the other.

(ok picture got no link, just thought it was a sweet pic! cldnt resist putting it in)

UPDATES

Finally cleared my tagboard from all the spammers who had the cheek to claim they weren't spammers.

I'm so sorry i haven't been updating much at all. I promise to blog more often, with A's over and all. I'm really surprised (in a good way) that there are still people reading my blog! & i realised my prev posts are all spontaneous emotional rants. hehhh

So i shall blog about what i've been doing after A's! Sorry if this bores you..

Right after my last paper which was geog paper 2, my classmates hawa & Afiqah went out of the hall to scream fr joy (literally) while the rest of us screamed in our heads hahah. So anyway, Hawa, xingjie, evelyn and I went to watch breaking dawn. Before that we went fr lunch at Fish & Co. It was quite funny cos they were taking ages to cook the food and we had so little time to eat since we didnt wanna miss our show. So we were like "in 10 minutes must finish". And then later "ok add 2 more minutes" then "ok 1 more minute". lol :) Photos below!

Chocolate Mousse for dessert :) abit too thick according to the rest but i thot it tasted great!

Arctic Fish & Chips(yess its quite large!!). Fries are abit on the dry side. But overall, pretty superb. Or maybe i was just hungry?

Ma pretty friends :)

So we rushed to GV & watched breaking dawn. The show was awesome!!!! I cried at the part bella sort of died. It was sooo sad. While my friends xingjie & evelyn just stoned throughout and had that "Why am i watching this" face. Oh welll...

Went to bedok library after that to just sit down & read to my heart's content without having to feel guilty at all (finally finallyyyy after waiting for so long!). Hmm didnt do much during the weekends and just lazed around at home. Visited Grandpop on sunday with dad & went fr macs at around 10.30 at night and had a HTHT. & it was truly special because my dad is not the kind to be emotional.

Monday

Went fr dental in the morn. And it was so sucky (more than usual) so im not gonna bother blogging about that cos im not keen on reliving it. Went to school to clear my locker cos yan's present is still rotting in there heh hehh :P

OK SORRY FOR KILLING EVERYONE FROM BOREDOM WITH MY MUNDANE LIFE.

Shall continue tmr :)

TAG REPLIES

C! :D : HELLOO!!! OMG I MISS YOU!!!!!!! and yes super shocked to see your tag but whatta pleasant surprise :)) MEET SOON! (& you have no choice but to say yes! heeh^^).

Hi Amirah! :D : Hello :) is that really your name? i hope not! hahahahah ok no im just kidding :D yea sucky feeling right? glad you could relate! & i hope whatever you're going through would work out fine :)

nellie: why you never go online anymore?!? sheet, i miss our online convos! where did those days go? );

Just a part of life

Sometimes the pieces just don't fit no more. And the harder you try to fit those pieces into the gaps, the outcome would still be the same. If someone doesn't want you in their life anymore, accept it and then let it go. Like they said, holding onto someone who doesnt feel the same way would be like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold, the more painful it will be.

I wish this poem was pixie dust - Nicholas Gordon

We lust for what we cannot have,
A long, unbroken chain
Of lovers who remain unloved
And loved who love in vain.

While I'm near mad with wanting you
As trees must have the sun,
You cannot help but find a love
Who loves another one.

The higher you climb, the harder you fall

I've built walls so high that only few can climb
These walls of illusion will make you think you're all the way through
But you're not. You're most certainly not.
Those who dare scale these walls time after time will surely learn their lesson soon
That the higher you climb, the harder you fall.



And i have my demons too.

Food for thought

Sometimes i cant understand why some people are so materialistic. Isnt it sad when clothes and shoes and make up make people happy? Sure, sometimes buying nice clothes can make me happy..for maybe a grand total of 10 seconds. Does it really matter if we cant buy nice things all the time? Because at the end the day, things are just that..things. And all things are temporal.

On a side note, what's a blogwalker?
Do blogs walk?

.___.

HI!

I haven't blogged in eons so i haven't got to deleting all the spam tags. After so many months, i thought the spamming would lessen...but obviously that's not the case.

So i'll remove those tags soon. I promise. After A's of course.
Life as a JC2 kid resumes tomorrow );

So i dont think i have anymore readers. But it's pretty cool to be blogging to myself heehe C:

Couldn't agree more

Be it Thailand's Reds vs the Yellows, or the Taiwan's 2004 Presidential election, MIC vs the police in KL, or even the latest Bersih 2.0 incident, they are ONLY protestors, who in the name of justice or judicial/ political equality, stood in streets marching together, shouting slogans and carrying banners.

London riots IS a case of human minds went crazy, or berserk, and actions went out of control. Its a case of people, without any sense of reason and/ or logic, going round the town and committing crimes blatantly, without any sensical beliefs and principles.

The former type is an organised, well-communicated gathering - they pass messages to each other, decided on a day, prepare themselves beforehand with whatever they have, and march onto the streets. When police stepped in to interfere, they either got themselves stronger together, which resulted in the mass arrests, or dispersed and went into their own respective hiding holes. Would they even think of going to their neighbourhood stores and start a rampage, or began burning cars and homes which they don't even know who the owners are? No.

The other type is totally out of control - no messages needed, no communication necessary. Once they see the city is down in its security, one fella started the act and the rest, seeing that no police is around to apprehend, began the whirlpool of outright looting and arsoning. Along the way, the moment they met any human hindrance or interference, they are determined to run them down. And thus came the physical abuse which ranged from body hurt to killing.

It is a case of minds gone wrong and souls gone missing. While many unrests were recorded in the 80s and 90s, where the triggering points mainly being political and social, incident like the Jakarta riots in May 1998 which had the locals raping Chinese women was a sound reminder that sometimes when human minds and spirits gone wrong, it would be a case of 'free for all', all in the name of 'wildness' and 'rampant wrath'.

It is with this acute understanding that Nichiren, a 13th-century Buddhist priest, wrote down in his thesis submitted to the Kamarkura Shogun government, that it is only through the propagation of 'correct teaching', which cultivates the correct spirit and mind, that peace and stability of the land can be secured and established. In all senses it is thoroughly true that only when the human minds are functioning in the correct spirit that the lands of which the humans dwell in can be maintained with proper law and order.

You're as good as gone;

It's a little tough, that's all.

Promises, promises.
Don't make them.